The Zen of Boiling Eggs, Winning Friends, and Finding Stillness

My new attitude about criticism - and how to do a simple Zen meditation

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The whole moon and the entire sky are reflected in dewdrops on the grass, or even in one drop of water.”
— Zen master, Eihei Dogan

At 80, I cannot let my mind get hijacked by the chaos around me for another minute. I don’t want to suffer for the rest of my life — It’s too short.

I’d rather have inner peace.

Yesterday, after reading a book I’ve long been curious about, I decided to stop criticizing — to stop criticizing anyone. From my daughter, to President Trump, to my wife’s cooking techniques. (And it wasn’t my typical spiritual book.)

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I will let my daughter have her opinions, and the world doesn’t need another Trump critic on Substack. There are plenty of them with much bigger megaphones than mine. And I’ll simply be thankful my wife is cooking delicious meals for me. Why should I criticize her or anyone?

The book that caused this change of heart is How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I always thought of it as an old-fashioned get-rich-quick book for business people. And I guess that is true, but there is much more to this book.

There is a reason why the book has sold over 30 million copies worldwide, making it one of the best-selling books of all time.

It offers a simple Reader’s Digest kind of wisdom — and I mean that in a kind way, not as a back-handed compliment (or criticism).

Here are two quotes from the book that are so obvious that they made me wonder why I don’t follow them in my interpersonal relationships.

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
 — Dale Carnegie

If you want a fight, criticizing is a great way to start one. It never fails. But for inner peace and harmonious relationships, I’ve decided that refraining from criticism is essential. That’s why I have decided to stop criticizing anyone in my interpersonal relationships.

I am not a film critic, or an art or music critic, but I read a great deal of that kind of writing. But I wonder about the need to write nasty take-downs of someone’s writing of music. What’s the reason for doing that? Some critics are asking themselves the same question.

Music and culture writer, Ted Gioia, on Substack doesn’t do take-downs. He says:

“I only write about new music I love. If that makes me soft, you can call me the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Critic. I’ll put that on my business card with pride.”
 — Ted Gioia

Here is what’s important.

Amidst all the chaos, the beautiful sun also rises, the squirrels play in the yard, and the full moon raises my spirits like the tides. My Zen teacher offered me this quote in my Zen lay ordination ceremony in 2002: “The whole moon and the entire sky are reflected in dewdrops on the grass, or even in one drop of water.” — Zen master, Eihei Dogan

Each one of us reflects everyone and everything else. We are all interconnected, and I believe that when we criticize another, we are attacking ourselves. Dogan’s quote and the admonition to refrain from criticism go hand in hand.

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Inner Peace

So how do we find inner peace in this chaotic world? That is a huge question that could take a lifetime to answer. But I know inner peace requires regular doses of stillness. If we are constantly roiled by the anger and hate all around us, we’ll never find peace.

Inner peace requires stillness, and for me, that’s meditation. But what if you aren’t drawn to meditation, or don’t have time to meditate?

Here is a meditation technique with no technique. I have boiled it down to an essence so simple that anyone can do it. I did it by accident today, which gave me the idea to offer it to you.

This morning, I was hard-boiling some eggs, and I realized there were four minutes left until they were done. I sat down right there in the kitchen and spent four minutes with my attention on my breath, not the eggs. The eggs cooked by themselves without my help until the egg timer rang.

I felt calmer.

You can do this meditation anywhere. Sit quietly for a few minutes, focusing your attention on your breath. Don’t force your breath in any way. Breathe normally. Forget your cares and just relax. Try it and let me know how you liked it. Or if you’re already a meditator, I’d love to hear your meditation stories.

And I’d like to hear your hard-boil eggs recipes. I’ll give you mine if you ask. Thanks so much for reading.

Gary
September 2025